


When Love Just Isn't Enough (And Other Clichés)

by 12GaugeRedHead



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Best Friends, Break Up, Dating, Developing Relationship, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional Sex, F/F, F/M, Fights, Friendship, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rough Sex, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content, Shower Sex, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-09-25 04:19:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 16,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9802358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/12GaugeRedHead/pseuds/12GaugeRedHead
Summary: When Darcy walks away from her two year relationship with Bucky.  She thinks it's for the best,  he'd become abusive.  Not physically,  but in every other way that mattered.  Then why if this was the right thing,  is it killing them both?





	1. Bucky

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own any of these amazing characters or songs featured in this fic. 
> 
> This work is a continuation of the first two chapters in my "Song Prompts" work. Please check that out :) the first two chapters are posted there and here. Chapter 3 is a new chapter and the start of this fic as a stand alone.

SONG: "I Don't Wanna Live Forever". By ZAYN

Bucky sat on the couch in their... HIS suite.  Shadows played across the dark room. The elbow of his metal arm balanced on his knee,  his fingers tugging roughly on his hair.  His other arm dangled loosely across his lap, his Scotch glass,  now empty,  clutched in his fist.  He hadn't turned the lights on in days.  The only lights now were coming through the floor to ceiling windows,  shining up from the city below.

Fuck. 

He could get drunk,  but it took a lot.  He guessed he was luckier than Steve in that aspect.  Three bottles of Tony's booze down and he could feel a buzz behind his red rimmed eyes. 

Fucking fuck. 

Darcy had left him a week ago.  Well 8 days,  20 hours ago.  Who was counting though.  Steve had stopped trying to talk to him 5 days in.  What did he expect anyways.  After Bucky tried to pick a fight over nothing,  having it fail in spectacular style, he'd put his left arm through the wall.  Steve had walked out,  hadn't come back.  Drywall still littered the floor in the hallway.  It went well with the smashed lamp and empties.

Bucky stood,  rolling his shoulders. Still in the undershirt and sweats he'd worn home from the gym with Steve days ago, he'd given up caring. His phone sat on the coffee table next to an empty bottle.  He'd tried calling,  texting,  he'd even sent flowers.  He hadn't heard from her at all,  nothing.  He knew where she was,  but she made him promise to stay away. 

The kicker was,  he KNEW she was right.  He had absolutely taken her for granted.  Between the missions, training, and his own wants, she had become second.  Months.  She had lived like that for months.  She had tried to talk to him,  to warn him that things needed to change.  Natasha had tried too.  But he was FREE.  There was no way he was being told what to do by her,  or by anyone else outside of Avengers missions.  He had spent 7 decades being controlled. 

Natasha was there helping her pack when Bucky came back up from the gym.  Both moral support,  and body guard.  He'd almost laughed when she'd told him she was leaving.  She loved him,  he loved her,  she would be back. She didn't need physical protection from him.  She told him not to follow,  not to contact her and with Tasha's help,  carried her stuff out the front door. 

24 hours later,  laying alone in bed he realized... He was out of control enough for her to be afraid of him. He had ignored her, her fears, everything. 

Bucky had called Steve,  tears coloring his tone.  Told him she'd gone.  When Bucky saw him though,  he could tell Steve wasn't surprised.  He realized he was the ONLY person who hadn't seen this coming. 

Fucking fucker. 

He grabbed his phone,  swiped the screen and stared at his unanswered texts. 

He'd been through a lot in his life,  but this,  this pain,  had no equal.  God,  he loved her.  Her pale skin,  dark curls and sassy smile.  When they'd first made love he had worshipped her body,  her curves. He couldn't get enough of her. 

When had he stopped looking at her? When was the last time he had made her come hard enough to scream his name?  When was the last time they'd even made love?  He'd gotten so wrapped up in himself, he would take his own pleasure, without returning it.  It had become about the sex,  about fucking.  Not about the love. 

God,  he was such a bastard. 

He stared for another moment at his phone,  looking between it and his glass. 

Fuck.

He'd really done it now. 

His heart gave a hard,  painful,  thump in his chest. 

Rearing back he threw the fine crystal at the window with all the force he could muster.  The Scotch glass shattered,  tiny pieces showering back into the room.  His phone followed next,  making a horrid sound as the screen cracked, spider webbing out before it hit the ground like a rock. Stark tech, almost indestructible. He fucking hated Tony Stark in that moment. 

 Bucky took two deep breaths before letting his rage at himself bubble over.  Tightening his body he roared,  yelled with every fibre of his being. 

His greasy hair covered his eyes,  stuck to the tears staining his cheeks. 

Falling from a train hadn't killed him.  Hydra hadn't killed him after 70 years of torture.  He was pretty sure this would though. His broken heart,  Darcy Lewis,  a 28 year old lab assistant, would be the end of James Barnes.

If this was how his life was going to be,  this cruel existence,  he wouldn't be able to do it.  Freedom wasn't worth shit if he couldn't be with her.  He didn't want to live forever,  not without her. 

All he'd wanted was freedom,  to remember.  He'd been given EVERYTHING and then he'd thrown it away. 

"Darcy... " barely a whisper,  slipped from his lips. He leaned against the window, his forehead felt on fire against the cool glass, as he finally let tears fall.


	2. Darcy

Bucky: Darcy,  baby, I know I messed up.  Please,  come home. 

Bucky: Sweetheart,  I love you.  Please just come home. 

Bucky: We can work on it.  Just come back.  Let's at least talk. 

Bucky: Coffee?  Please.  It's all I'm asking for. 

Bucky: I'm sorry.  So, so, sorry.  Please. 

Bucky: Just let me know you're there. 

Bucky: Please baby.  Please. Just a hi,  anything.  I want to know you're there. 

Bucky: Did you get my flowers? 

Bucky: Baby,  please. 

Bucky: Darcy doll, please.  I'm begging now.  Just respond. 

Bucky: I can fix this.  Please. 

Bucky: BABY,  PLEASE.....

Bucky: I love you so much.  I would dive off that train again.  I'd trade my very soul to them just to hear your voice. 

Bucky: I love you. 

Bucky: Please God,  I love you so much.  Are you there? 

Bucky: Darcy????? 

Darcy stared at her phone,  having reread his texts so many times. They played on a loop in her mind. 

She had tried talking to him, so many times.  Tash told her she even tried. He just refused to hear. 

Honestly,  she hadn't expected him to care when she left.  And it seemed like at first he hadn't.  He had turned into such an ASSHOLE.  He was so sure of himself.  He deserved freedom more than anyone,  but this, how he'd become.... It wasn't freedom.  It was purely self indulgence at the cost of everybody who worked so hard towards his recovery.  At the cost of EVERYONE that loved him. 

She was so heartbroken when she'd left,  watching that ugly smirk on his beautiful face.  He had been so sure her life was dependant on his feelings,  that she would come running back.  Darcy Elizabeth Lewis DOES NOT run back to anybody.  She had been heartbroken,  but steadfast in her resolve. 

36 hours after she left she'd gotten the first text.  Messed up?  He'd "messed up"?

Fucker. 

He had slowly and completely dismantled her self worth.  Leaving her feeling like an open sore,  just being picked away at. 

She pushed her phone off the white bedspread in Clint and Agent Agents spare room. Natasha and Clint had agreed it was safer for her.  Clint sat out in the living room,  having given up trying to cheer her up a few days ago. She had turned her phone to silent after the arrogant texts had turned pleading.  She glared at it angrily,  swiping the tears from her face. Red rimmed eyes and nose,  she was sure she looked all kinds the hot mess.

She didn't have an end game.  She was sure he wouldn't care when she left,  so there had never been any ideas about what would bring her back. 

Jane was always off planet with Thor,  making her scientist wrangling almost unneeded. Bruce could survive... Tony had Pepper,  so he'd probably survive.  He'd offered her a job at a training facility and she was inclined to take it.  New York was just TOO FUCKING SMALL. 

But now,  NOW.... Now he sounded sincere.  His voice mails had stopped her heart,  breaking it further.  Was he crying?  Honestly,  she hoped so.  It was childish and selfish,  but she fucking hoped so.  She was allowed to be selfish for a change.  She wanted him to feel at least some of the pain she had... Still was. 

It had taken what was left if her dignity to walk away.  After a year of steady decline it had come down to her OR him.  She would ALWAYS choose herself. 

Yesterday Clint had helped her shower.  Washing her hair gently and pulling it back into a couple French braids.  She knew she was being stupid,  crazy even.  She had no idea what was happening to her,  barely able to give Clint one word answers to simple questions. 

This morning she had finally asked about him.  Interrupted Clint and Phil during breakfast.  She didn't eat anymore... Did she?  Darcy asked them how he was... Stupid,  stupid,  STUPID. 

All Clint said was that Steve couldn't be around him anymore,  that all they could hear in the last few days was things being broken and him calling her name.

Clint had always promised he'd never lie to her.

Darcy pulled the comforter to her mouth to muffle the sobs that had started.  Tears burned their way down her cheeks,  her eyes Swollen and burning from all the tears she'd shed. 

FUCK. 

She really fucking HATED Bucky Barnes.  But God,  did she LOVE him. 

Sobs wracked her body in the pale light of her lamp.  She drew her knees to her chest and let the tremors shake through her tired body.  Her tank top and tights feeling so tight on her sweltering body.

"Darcy? " Client's quiet voice accompanied a quiet tap on her closed door. She didn't answer,  not because she didn't want to,  but because she couldn't.  She heard him sigh and trudge back down the hall. 

If she was so sure she was doing the right thing,  was it supposed to hurt so much? She could feel every laboured beat of her wrecked heart.  It pumped hard,  like it was pumping sludge and her head throbbed right along with it.  She'd known pain.  Breaking her ankle,  a concussion,  the wound in her thigh after an explosion in Tony's lab.  She would gladly take those 18 stitches WITHOUT anesthesia if it would just take the edge off the fracturing she was feeling now. 

She was so sure she was dodging a bullet,  saving herself by running.  Now though,  she understood when people talked about dying of a broken heart.  If she survived this,  what would be left of her on the other side?  Had she just walked away from the love of her life?  This sure didn't feel like the right choice. 

Hicupping Darcy unfurled from the ball she'd been in and reached over the side of her bed.  
   
She held the phone to her chest for a minute,  trying to take deep breaths.  Before she could think too hard,  she hit his number and held the phone to her ear. 

She didn't know how many times it rang but when he answered,  his voice hanging thick with tears as he whispered her name into the phone. 

The only response she could give him was a ragged sob.


	3. Bucky

Bucky started to pant heavily,  holding his cracked phone to his ear.  He listened to her sob,  still trying to grasp onto the fact that she'd actually called.  

"Baby... " he trailed off,  clearing the gravel from his voice.  His throat was raw from crying,  raw from screaming.  "No,  Baby,  please no.  Stop crying Darce... " 

She kept right on crying over the phone,  her voice cracking,  quiet sobs twisting his heart in his chest.  

He had done this.  He had done all of this.  Bucky had killed,  he didn't even know,  how many people he'd killed.  Mostly men,  some women and children without feeling a twinge of remorse under Hydra's control.  All the pain he'd caused,  the lives he'd taken,  and now the way it sounded like he was killing her, crashed against his heart.  Dropping to his knees,  Bucky gasped for air,  holding onto this phone call like the only line that would save him.

He didn't know how long he sat in the dim light from the New York streets below,  drawing in hard,  shallow breaths as she did the same.  It felt like ages,  felt like it aged him to the 97 year old he was instead of the 28 year old he looked like.  He would sit like this forever if it meant she wouldn't hang up on his sorry ass.  

Finally,  FINALLY,  she quieted down.  Bucky knew she hadn't hung up because he could still hear her ragged breathing. He wanted to talk,  but he couldn't think of a thing to say.  

"Why? " she asked so quietly if it hadn't been for his super senses he wouldn't have heard it.  

"Why what Baby? " 

"Don't call me that.  You don't get to call me that anymore" she bit over the line at him, venom coloring her voice.  

Bucky hung his head, raising his right hand up to hold the phone to his ear along with the left.  He'd keep her on the phone by sheer force of will.  

"Why do you care now?  Why'd you have to start caring?  It's making it so much harder to hate you... " 

He thought for a moment,  knowing that everything was riding on how he answered her questions.  

"When you first left I thought you were trying to teach me a lesson,  scold me like a school boy.  About a day after you left I was in our bed and I could smell you on my pillow and your absence hit me like a truck." Pausing he took a few seconds to gather his thoughts.  

"You were scared of me.  You were packing with Natasha here because you didn't trust me anymore. You didn't leave to teach me a lesson" he gave a hard chuckle at his own arrogance.  "You left to save yourself from me.  It had nothing to do with me... " 

"You know the first time I realized I was scared of you? " she asked,  taking his silence as permission to continue.  "Remember that morning two months ago,  I was in the shower when you came back from your run... " Bucky grunted,  acknowledging that he remembered.  

"When you used to take me in the shower it was with my legs around your waist.  You would hold me up,  support me and look me in the eyes as we made love.  You'd say my name.  You'd help me dry off after the shower."  Her voice gave a hiccup as she tried to steady her breathing.  

Bucky's left hand hit the floor in front of where he kneeled,  his body casting a heavy shadow.  His metal arm scratched against the fibres of the carpet,  trying to find purchase on something to ground him.  He knew where she was going.  He really was a nasty bastard.  

"You came up behind me in the shower,  started kissing my neck,  and just as it was getting good you bent me over.  You wrapped your hand in my hair and fucked me from behind.  You didn't kiss me on the mouth.  You didn't even look me in the eyes.  You came,  rinsed off and got out." Darcy started crying quietly into his ear.  "That wasn't even the worst part,  the worst part was you didn't even talk to me.  Not one fucking word.  Came in,  got yours,  left.  You fucking left me there,  cold,  alone and wanting in the shower without even a hi Darce,  how are you this morning.... " anger threaded through her voice now,  making him ball his fists up.  

He had done everything she'd described.  

 

  He had fucking used her like that and walked away.  

What had happened to him?  His Ma would smack him so hard.  She'd be so disappointed with the way he'd treated a caring woman like Darcy.  No wonder Steve was disgusted with him.  He should be.  

"I... " his voice cracked hard.  He didn't know what to say.  He couldn't think of a single fucking word to say.  There was NOTHING  Bucky could say.  

"I realized then that you'd stopped respecting me.  I didn't matter to you.  And you can hurt things that don't matter." 

Bucky wanted to tell her he'd never physically hurt her.  EVER.  But there were a lot of things he'd done to her he'd never imagined he'd ever do.  

"Ba... "Bucky stopped himself.  "Darcy,  I know there's nothing I can say,  but I'd never physically hurt you.  Ever." What else could he say?  

"I think we've both learned in this past week that some things are worse than physical pain" she replied stifly.  "I never thought you'd hurt me in any way.  I never thought you'd use me.  But you have,  in every way that matters.  You've used me as a maid,  as a dumping ground for your stress,  as a joke and you've used me in the bedroom." 

He folded his upper body down,  pressing his forehead into the carpet,  his metal arm laced back through his hair.  

"So what now James?  What are you hoping to accomplish with this call?  Be cause honestly, i dont think theres any way to come back from this. Do you?" 

She left the question hanging, knowing he couldnt give her an answer. 

Bucky closed his eyes, face pressed into the floor and sighed. Staying curled up in the dark.  No he didn't think there was anyway to come back from this. 


	4. Darcy

Song: "Better Man" Little Big Town.

She had no idea why she'd called him.  Getting mad at Bucky,  yelling at him,  wouldn't help either of them.  It might feel good for a minute,  but ultimately it would accomplish nothing.  

And asking him questions Darcy knew he couldn't possibly answer would just frustrate them both.  Because that's EXACTLY what they both needed.  

"I've never been this mad before" Darcy told him.  Letting some of the hollowness she'd been feeling numb her so she could continue.  "It was good James,  it was so good.  I was happy,  and I was stupid to think that you were happy too.  That being with me was enough for you... "

"Being with you was everything" his ragged voice responded.  

"Maybe at the beginning,  that first year was great.  But at some point you decided that every single thing in your life was more important than me." 

"It was just too much" Bucky started to say something.  She could practically hear him struggle with his words over the phone.  "I had too much,  it went to my head..." He was probably right about that,  Darcy thought. 

"Part if it is on us... " Darcy murmered,  Bucky cutting her off.  

"No" he was firm,  raising his voice in her ear.  

"Shut up James and let me talk" Darcy sat up in her bed,  she had absolutely no plans on letting him dominate this conversation.  It had already gone on longer then she'd planned. "Yes,  Steve and I ignored so many signs.  You just got so much better so much faster then we expected.  But really,  did you? " 

He didn't answer,  so she continued.  

"I got so swept up in you.  I loved you so fucking fast.  Even during that first year when I'd stay up with you watching movies. I'd wake you when you'd start screaming. I could see you through what was done to you. I loved you before we were even a we" she told him,  sounding angry.  A strange tone to pair with a loving confession.  

Darcy crossed her legs on front of her,  pulling one of her braids over her shoulder,  she fiddled with the end.  

"Darcy... " Bucky swallowed loudly.  She hated the way her heart responded,  stuttering erratically in her chest at the sound of his voice saying her name.  

"I would have done anything for you,  given you anything.  But I wasn't going to do it for someone who didn't care.  I wasn't going to let myself disappear."

"Darcy, I..... " but he didn't continue and the silence dragged on.  

"I know how we got here James,  but it just seems so unreal.  I never thought we'd be having a conversation like this at 4 am.  I had to save myself,  my pride,  it's literally all I have.  I gave you everything,  my very soul.  Tell me,  can you say the same?"

"I, I... " he struggled again,  but she waited.  Wanting to hear his answer.  James sighed heavily in her ear "no." 

It sounded like his voice was muffled and Darcy had to quickly delete the image of him in bed,  wrapped in sheets,  from her mind.  

"I kept waiting,  kept hoping,  that things would go back to the way they were when we first started.  I waited for it to get good again,  but it didn't,  it wouldn't have." Her tears were starting again,  she was so fucking tired of crying.  

"Darce? " Clint knocked on her door once before just opening it.  She was on her knees on her bed,  the comforter a mess around her legs.  "Is that him? "

"It's fine Clint,  I'm almost done" Darcy heard James suck a breath in over the line.  

"Okay darling,  do you want me to stay?" She shook her head as he swiped away her tears.  She loved Clint.  Not many guys would hold you as you vomited from crying too hard. Then help you shower without trying to grope the girls.  Every girl needs a gay bestie.  

Clint left silently,  closing her door with a click.  She knew he'd be waiting on the other side.  Listening to her call in case she needed him.  Darcy didn't know what she'd done to deserve him,  but she was thankful.  She turned her attention back to the other man in her life.  

"You know I thought you were the one" she threw at him.  "I wanted to marry you,  have babies with you." Her sobbing started in earnest again.   
her heart breaking over the life she'd dreamed of,  had been so close to having.  

"I'm better off by myself then living my life on your terms.  I was done waiting around for you to wake up.  I was done feeling so badly about myself." 

"Please... " he whispered. 

 That really set her off.  How many times had she begged for him to listen to her... 

"We could have had it all James.  I wish you'd been able to handle it,  handle us.  I wish I could forget how wonderful you'd been.  Remembering is what makes this hurt so fucking much." 

"Darcy,  I can fix this.  I will get help,  fix myself,  for you I'll do it" he was crying in her ear.  She wanted to take pleasure in it,  but she just couldn't.  It would be easier if she didn't love him... 

"Don't do it for me James,  do it for yourself.  You can't fix us if you're still broken."

"I miss you."

Fuck her if she didn't miss him too.  So much.  

"I miss you too,  but I won't wait for you.  I told you I'm moving on and I am" Darcy slumped over in bed,  the headache pounding through her head becoming more than she could handle.  

"I can do this Baby,  I can become a better man" his muffled voice cracked in her ear.  

"Goodbye Bucky" Darcy let herself call him the name only her and Steve did.  She pulled the phone from her ear and ended the call quickly,  trying not to think too much about it.  Much how the call had began.  

Darcy let out a scream,  her body so weary from sobbing,  her head and eyes throbbing with every beat of her heart.  Her very soul felt fractured and she couldn't help but lash out,  throwing her phone against the wall.  

She sobbed with her face in her pillow for a few minutes,  curled into a ball.  Clint came in,  helped her sit and poured two aspirin and some water down her throat before laying her back down.  He covered her small form with the comforter,  brushing the hair from her forehead.  She started to wimper,  even in her sleep and Clint knew if this continued he'd kill James Barnes.  Or at least die trying. 


	5. Clint

Clint was sitting on their couch,  just staring at the tv program guide on the screen in front of him.  Total silence greeted Phil when he walked in, seeing his other half staring blankly.

She had gone totally black.  No traces of her bubbly personality remained and he was so fucking furious at himself for not stepping in sooner.  She seemed to have totally given up.  He knew though,  that she had him.  He'd be there for her,  like she was for him after.... Well,  after everything.  Clint would do whatever he could to bring her back,  just like she'd done for him.  

"Clint?" Phil rested his hands on Clint's shoulders,  trying to rouse him from his thoughts as gently as possible.  

"Oh hey..." Clint trailed off. 

"How's our house guest?" It was not abnormal for either of them to come and go at all hours.  It wasn't weird for Phil to walk through the door at 5 am,  but Clint still refused to sleep in their bed without him.  Not after Loki... 

Clint scrubbed his hands roughly across his face,  standing to round the couch.  Phil had removed his jacket and was loosening his tie.  It was the greatest thing Clint thought he'd ever seen.  After a full night holding Darcy as her heart broke,  he needed the reminder that his was still intact.  

"I poured meds down her throat 15 minutes ago,  I'm hoping she sleeps tonite.  She called him." Clint watched his lovers reaction.  To the untrained eye,  there'd been none.  Clint could tell he was displeased.  Well, that made two of them.  

"I couldn't hear a lot of it" Clint touched his hearing aids unconsciously. "She let him have it though,  at least that's something."

"Are we going to have another visitor tonite?" Phil asked, shaking his head at the plate of food Clint offered him from the fridge.  

"No.  I don't think so.  If he wanted in though,  there's not a lot we could do.  He's stayed away so far and it's not like he doesn't know where she is,  he's been here" Clint wished that weren't the case,  making a fist with one hand.  Barnes was fine.  A good sniper,  one of,  if not the best.  Great guy to have watching their six.  As a person , one of Clint's least favorite at the moment.  

The guy was a grade A asshat.  It sickened Clint how Barnes had treated Darcy.  Not many people got a second chance at this life, not in the business they were in. He was one of the few,  like Barnes and Cap.  He wasn't going to waste it.  

He sat down on the couch next to Phil,  turned to him so their knees touched.  He pulled Phil's right hand into his,  lacing their fingers. 

"She cried so hard she threw up.  I had to bathe her.  She's barely eaten.  I hate to say this,  but I think she needs to take that job up state that Stark offered her.  Maybe distance will help.  I've never seen someone so messed up by a breakup before.  I was all for it,  but I didn't think it would hit her like this" Clint spoke quietly,  Phil's head leaned sideways,  resting on the back of the couch.  His eyes were closed but he knew he heard every word he'd said.  

"Maybe distance will help" Phil reitterated. He was not a man of many words,  but Clint could read between them.  Even he wasn't sure it was the answer.  There were no other options though..  .

Clint sighed and eyed the chest visable beneath the three undone buttons at his lovers throat.  

He'd talk to her when she woke.  He'd hate for her to go,  but he wanted what was best for her and right now,  like this,  Barnes was not it.  

"Let me take you to bed" Phil pulled Clint from his own mind by squeezing their joint hands.  

"You tired?" 

"Did I say I was tired" Phil asked the rhetorical question,  pulling Clint to his feet.  

They walked hand in hand to their room,  passing Darcy's door. 

"And I know that look.  You can't and you won't.  You can't go sniping your teammates.  Worlds greatest marksmen or not. I know it's hard,  you love her,  but killing the Winter Soldier will not help Darcy,  and it most certainly will not help you." 

God,  Clint loved this man,  but sometimes he was a motherfucker. 


	6. Steve

"Captain Rogers,  Sir.. " Friday yanked Steve from his thoughts.  He was sketching roughly in a book on his lap,  not paying much attention to what he was drawing.  

"Friday?" Steve responded,  sitting forward,  setting his book aside.  

"Sir,  the vitals in Sergeant Barnes room indicate extreme stress.  I have alerted Doctor Banner,  but as per protocol I am to alert you to anything involving Barnes" the AI's voice had Steve up and out of his room and down the hall to Bucky's place before the sentence was complete.  

Steve opened the door,  Friday telling him she'd already unlocked it.  

Bucky was face down on the floor,  his knees curled under him.  His fingers were clutching the carpet.  Steve could hear the tacks giving way underneath the fabric.  He was making a low keening sound,  laying there shaking. 

"Buck?" Steve questioned,  taking slow steps forward.  The Soldier was always in the back of everyone's mind.  Bucky hadn't had an incident in over a year.  This was abnormal though,  and with Darcy gone... Steve was prepared for anything. 

Bucky didn't even move,  showing no signs he'd recognized Steve,  or his presence at all. 

Banner rushed in,  holding his medical bag,  his hair a mess of curls.  He looked like he'd been in a wind tunnel.  Maybe he had been.  Steve had heard stories about R&D.  

"Friday,  vitals on the sergeant please."Bruce spoke in hushed tones.  Setting his bag down on the couch,  crouching down next to where Steve stood,  about 10 feet from Bucky.  

"BP is 250 over 140. Heart rate is over 200 beats per minute Doctor." 

"Jesus... "Bruce pulled his glasses off and squeezed the bridge of his nose.  

Steve didn't know much,  but he knew that was high,  even with the serum.  He itched to step forward,  pull his best friend into his arms,  his feet taking an involuntary step in his direction. 

Bruce put his arm out,  stopping Steve's progress.  

"I believe he's having an acute post traumatic stress disorder response.  Approach him slowly,  softly.  If he attacks,  do not fight back,  go limp and continue to speak to him. " Bruce fired off instructions,  staring at the top of Bucky's head.  

This was just like before they had discovered Bucky's programming and he starting talking to a shrink.  He'd spent so many nights with Bucky in his arms in his bed.  Bucky was too scared to sleep and when he would,  he'd wake up screaming.  Sometimes he'd react violently.  Steve had stayed with him,  providing the only comfort he could.  He didn't know how long he could go without sleep,  but when he found Buck, his limits had been tested.  

What a gift Darcy had been.  She hadn't side eyed him,  hadn't treated him any differently.  She'd just welcomed Bucky with open arms.  Tony's tower had seemed so big,  but when she'd walked into their lives it had become manageable,  more like home.  Within weeks Bucky had stopped reacting violently.  He still woke up yelling,  in cold sweats, but that happened less and less.  Eventually,  after falling asleep in the common room,  Bucky's head pillowed in Darcy's lap,  both men got their first 8 hours straight in months.  

Bucky had gone ahead and fucked that right up.  

Steve did as Bruce instructed,  slowly approaching Bucky as if he were a bomb about to go off.  He kneeled down next to him slowly running a hand up Bucky's spine,  speaking softly, unaware of his words.  

No one breathed for a full minute,  Steve bared down,  preparing for the full body impact of The Soldier coming at him.  He looked at Bruce,  searching his skin for tinges of The Other Guy.  

There were too many personalities in this room.  

Bucky shifted,  drawing Steve's attention back to him.  He didn't attack though,  he just lifted his body,  throwing himself into Steve's arms.  Bucky wasn't crying,  but he was shaking.  Steve just wrapped his arms around him,  holding him with the same ferocity.  

"Cap,  can you help him stand? " Bruce asked,  closer now.  

Steve thought about it and nodded,  using sheer strength to left his buddy straight up to his feet.    
Bucky helped a little,  but Steve bore the brunt of his weight.  

"Couch" Bruce pointed.  

Steve grunted and half dragged Buck to the cushions,  laying him down as carefully as he could. Bucky's stupid metal arm hung like a dead weight at his side.  

"I'm not going to manually check his vitals.  I'm  concerned about it triggering him further.  

Steve knew all too well about Bucky's reaction to medical tools.  Bruce was a smart man.  

Before Steve could react though,  Bruce drove a syringe into his friends flesh arm,  bringing a surprised yell from both soldiers.  

"Tranquilizer" Bruce sighed,  returning the used needle to his bag.  "I developed it for The Other Guy,  but it didn't work.  It won't last long,  his metabolism will burn it off in a few hours.  He should get a bit of sleep though.  That's part of the problem,  no sleep.  And.... " he trailed off,  looking at a picture on the mantel of a pretty brunette with her head thrown back,  laughing.  

"I know,  what can I do?" Steve was desperate for answers.  He should have checked on Bucky in the last 5 days.  

The mess just kept getting bigger,  like a snowball rolling down a hill.  

"Stay with him.  Call me if he gets worse.  That's the best advice I can give you Cap.  Sorry.  I'll be back around 10 to check on him." Bruce lifted his bag,  gave Bucky and Steve one last look each and left,  muttering to Friday as he went.  

Steve settled with his back against the couch. 

He'd seen Darcy's departure coming, they all had. No one had predicted this however.  

Steve raised his knees,  resting his forehead against them. He settled into a comfortable position, trying to ignore the rays from the rising sun that had started to fill the room. He felt like they were back to square one,  like he'd just pulled Buck in off the streets. The changes he'd made with Darcy were amazing.  They'd seen this side of the good life.  Life after Darcy was just as dramatic. It was like he'd taken a complete slide back. Steve scrunched his eyes closed harder, trying to fight off the headache he could feel building.  

"Friday,  blinds please." Steve just didn't have it in him to stand up and lower them himself.  He sighed as the blinds slid silently across the window, cutting off the light that was trying   
to cut through his lids.  

He was mad at Bucky for blowing it with one of the best dames Steve had ever met.  But,  like with everything else, he'd help Bucky through this.  He'd just pray this time that they were both still alive when they came out on the other side. 


	7. Pepper

Pepper stared at the transfer papers in her hand. They'd been processed, approved,  and the transfer was complete.  

She felt like a horrible person, but she was so fucking tired of Bucky Barnes.  

She slid the papers into her drawer and buzzed her assistant to let her appointment in.  Steve Rogers entered her office. He hung a good 5 feet from her desk and she didn't respond as he nodded his head and greeted her with a ma'am.  

"Captain Rogers, you know that I have a great deal of respect for you. You should also know that I have almost zero tolerance for bullshit" Steve's eyes widened at hearing Pepper cuss.  

"I am a huge supporter of the little Land of Misfit Toys that Tony has created here. I think it is both comforting and beneficial to most, if not all of the Avengers." Pepper came out from behind her desk and leaned against the front. "My issue is that at some point this became all about the comfort of the Avengers and their trainees. An innocent, who has done nothing but help us, was used by your friend Seargant Barnes. It has become my understanding that many of you" she emphisised the word you, raising a perfect brow at him. "Saw what was transpiring, the continued abuse... " Steve tried to interrupt Pepper. She simply held up her hand and contued on. Rage was building her her chest, but she would proceed like a fucking professional,  because that is what she was.  

Taking a deep breath, she continued "Yes Captain,  what was done to Darcy was emotional, mental and verbal abuse." Steve stopped his mouth flapping. "Darcy was a very strong and brave girl, up until a week ago when she officially applied for her transfer I didn't know what was going on. I am truely disturbed. This place was meant to be a haven for Avengers and their family alike." Pepper wished Jane Foster and Thor had been around more. A couple of 4 day visits in 18 months was nothing.  

"Darcy was one of us and we let her down. All of us let her down" Pepper watched Steve's head drop. The truth hurts.  

"Did you know she is an orphan?" Pepper asked him. Steve's head snapped up,  his eyes searching hers. Pepper sighed. Other then letting her help Bucky, had Steve bothered to actually talk to the girl he'd spent so much time with? The girl who had pulled his best friend from the very darkest pits of dispare? Had either of them? No.  

"Natasha tried to advocate for her. But Barnes listens to no one. No one except you." Pepper really wasn't trying to lay this at Steve's feet. It was not his fault. The cycle of violence will always continue, especially if people on the outside see it happening and turn a blind eye. 

"Sometimes proud people need help. Darcy  asked you. She told me she did. Did you ever try to talk to him?" With her eyebrow raised,  she again discerned the answer was no.  "Everyone needs someone Captain, and I have now become her advocate.  She needs support right now.  I am willing to be a friend, sister, mother figure, whatever she needs" Pepper's conviction was strong.  She wasn't letting this life take a brave woman and spit out a another skeleton.  

"Now that that's out of the way... " she trailed off and walked back around her desk,  sitting back in her seat. "Darcy has been transferred to another facility at her request. I'm not telling you where. I know it would be exceptionally easy for the Seargant to find out where she has gone.  But, and this is the main part of what should be passed onto your friend. I've tried to get into contact with him, but he has ignored my attempts. He will not try to locate her, or make any kind of contact with Darcy at all."

Pepper stared back at Steve, expressing with her tone and eyes how very serious she was.  

"I know we don't know much about each other Captain,  but I can assure you.  Now that Darcy is one of mine,  I will go to any length to protect her." To drive her point home,  Pepper let the briefest hints of extremist color her neck. The red wound it's way up from the collar of her blouse,  her eyes burning with just a hint of yellow.  

"They both have too much healing to do to be of any benefit in each others lives. Ask your friend to respect her wishes." Pepper's tone was a little dark, Steve's surprise was clear on his face.  

He'd thought, like everyone else, that Tony had rid her of Extremist.  

"Also remind Seargant Barnes that we have a full rotation of doctors on call to assist him at any time. That will be all." Pepper opened her laptop and turned her attention towards her company.  

Steve remains in place,  she could see by his posture he was unsure of what had happened. Her rage was turned down to a low simmer,  rolling away in her stomach. She just hoped it was enough. She had heard Barnes' state of mind was not well and he needed to figure his own ghosts out before he created anymore for Darcy.  

She heard Steve leave,  waiting until she heard her door close, and the door to reception close before she let out a big breath.  

There was no way this was going to be the end of it. Pepper wished she'd been able to talk to the man himself. According to Friday Barnes hadn't left his bed in a week, not since his last contact with Darcy.  

Pepper jusr prayed that both her words and their separation was enough. 


	8. Darcy

Darcy sat on her bed,  looking around at her new surroundings.  Big bedroom,  private bathroom.  It wasn't at all like her place at the tower. Which was good.  

Almost everything was new. New bedding,  she'd left hers with HIM.  She didn't want anything connected to those kinds of memories.  She'd brought most of her clothes,  leaving behind everything he'd bought her.  

The only stow away way one of his hoodies.  It was still folded,  squeezed tight into the flat pocket in the front of her largest suitcase.  But she was NOT going to think about that at all. Darcy prayed to Thor that he didn't notice it was missing.  

Her duties here were more administrative than care taking. Tony had tried to just move her here,  no job,  just to live.  But Darcy Lewis was not a charity case,  she could pull her weight.  She suggested work in exchange for accommodations,  but just like in the tower this job came with a large pay check.  Darcy even suspected that Tony and Pepper had invented her new job,  just to get her here.  Just to HELP HER.  

Pepper texted Darcy daily now,  checking in.  It felt like the beginnings of a friendship. Darcy still couldn't believe Pepper-Fucking-Potts was slowly becoming one of her besties. She was right next to Nat in the most amazing,  fabulous,  badass women of all time category and she thanked every God that existed to have such strong women in her life. 

She was depending on them more then she wanted too.  

Wanda Maximoff lived two doors down and Darcy was struck stupid at just how beautiful she was.  She would become friends with that quiet girl too.  There was a plan.  

She had cried for the first two days.  Days 3&4 had been less tears,  more anger.  She'd beat the shit out of a bag in the amazing gym,  just like Nat had taught her.  

Why was he so fucking STUPID? 

How could he DO THIS to them,  to her? 

She fucking HATED him.  

No,  she loved him.  But God,  she FUCKING HATED HIM.  

Nothing like angry music,  raw knuckles and an inner voice that won't quit to clean out some of her RAGE.  

the next few days were spent cooking and baking.  There were more casseroles and baked goods in this place then even the whole of the Avengers could eat after a mission.  A few times over.  

Now sitting here on day 8, the Eve before she was to start her new job,  Darcy wanted nothing more then to call him.  

She wasn't going to,  but did she ever want too.  

Darcy chewed on her top lip,  staring at her phone.  

Nat!  

Nat was safe.  

"Darce?" Nat answered on the first ring.  "Is everything okay?" 

"Of course,  can I not just..." Darcy trailed off,  not even able to finish the lie.  "I want to talk to him." 

"I will not tell you not to,  but I will give you my best advice,  as always." Darcy heard movement over the line as Nat shifted around,  voices fading in the background.  "I think calling him would be wrong.  The wrong choice for you AND for him." Nat was right,  of course she was.  It didn't change what she wanted though,  just to hear the gravel in his voice.  

"I know,  I know..." Darcy knew.  

"Perhaps a journal,  or a letter.  Don't send it.  But if you are feeling you need to talk to him,  let things out that he never let you during your relationship  maybe writing to him will help?"

Darcy chewed on that idea for a couple minutes. Natasha didn't need to fill the silence so she just waited for Darcy to process.  

"I think that's a really great idea" she said finally,  nodding her head.  She pulled her StarkPad into her lap so she could order some pretty journals online and have them shipped overnight.  She had a couple old spiral bounds the would work right now,  until the journals came.  

"I've been known to have one of those every once in awhile" Nat replied.  Darcy could hear the smirk in her tone.  "I have to get back.  I'll phone you later yeah? " 

Darcy just hummed at Nat as the call disconnected.  With her order on overnight rush, she pulled an old beat up book off her desk. 

She sat down on the floor,  leaning against the foot of her bed.  With her knees pulled up, she placed the notebook against them. 

Write Bucky a letter?  She felt like she could do that.  

Darcy sighed and chewed the end of her pen... She wanted to say so much,  but didn't know how or where to start.  She decided not to go back,  not to dig up the past.  She would write about what she was feeling during there here and now.  

Darcy set her pen to the paper and started to scratch away.


	9. Dear James.  March 8, 2017.

James, 

    I don't want to call you Bucky anymore,  I can't.  The only other person allowed to call you that is Steve and it implies a level of comfort, of intimacy,  that we just don't have.  That I can't let myself have with you. 

Clint told me that you're miserable,  I hope that's true.  If I had to suffer through the whole last year of your relationship alone and still continue to suffer now,  I think you should feel a bit of this to. It's only fair.  

I was happy at the tower. I'm sitting here now wishing that I'd made you leave. I couldn't make you leave Steve and Sam though.  Obviously you are not as well as we thought you were. You'll need your people if you're going to get better.  

I was just so eagar for you to get better.  So eagar to help you in anyway I could, that I let what I thought was best for you, overshadow every single part of me. 

How could you do this to me?  How could you go from what we were,  to what you are now? It was so good. We had everything I'd dreamed of, that you told me you'd dreamed of almost in our hands. You literally tossed a grenade into our life and walked away. You got your happiness. Apparently it was worth the cost of mine.  

Do I feel better since I left? No. I think I will though. You were just too much.  You were everywhere and in everything.  There was no way I was going to recover if I stayed.  And I can't help you get better if you didn't know you're sick.  I don't think you did know, but you do now.  

We were in a sinking ship and I was so tired of bailing water by myself. It was down to sink or swim,  and I was too tired to try swimming.  The kicker,  you had no idea anything was wrong.  You know now though. At least I'm not miserable alone.  

Fuck you James Barnes. 


	10. Bucky

"Okay, my man" Sam opened Bucky's bedroom door.  "Friday, override code 4927. Let there be light." Sam stood at the foot of the bed and held his arms up as the blinds slid open silently. Bucky's bedroom filled with the light of mid day as he threw out a couple swears in Russian,  pulling the covers over his head.  

"We have tried the easy way,  that crap didn't work.  So now I'm bringing out the big guns.  Get your sorry ass outta bed" Sam grabbed the comforter and pulled.  It slid down past Bucky's shoulders before he grabbed it with his left arm,  tearing a huge hole.  

"We're going to start small. Today's task, a shower then food.  You need both, shower first." 

The torn blanket lay across Bucky. Sam stood  tapping his foot, his hands on his hips. The silence in the room spoke volumes as both men tried to outlast the other.  

Bucky lost. Having no patience and caring very little he flopped onto his back, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.  There was no fucking way he was going to cry in front of Sam. He'd cried enough in front of Stevie.  Not hysterical sobs, but big fat tears had slid down his face for hours. Steve would never judge, but Bucky had been ashamed none the less.  

Sam let out a sigh and sat down heavily on the bed.  "I get it man, she's gone. That shit brings down a whole new level of hurt. You want her back, I know you do. We all miss her. But do you really think you are even going to foster the smallest hope in hell of getting Darcy to give you a second chance if you won't even get out of bed?" Sam stopped talking and watched Bucky. 

 "Huh? You think women like that put up with tired, worn soldiers like us for the fun of it? Hells no. It's work. It's work on both sides.  She put it in, you didn't. You fucked up big time. You've hit rock bottom. You know what though?" Sam watched the metal arm warily.  He was saying a lot of shit designed to piss off an assassin, ON PURPOSE. He just didn't want to get smashed with the arm.  

"Rock bottom means the only way to go is up.  You need to sort your shit out if you ever expect to talk to her again. Darcy is beautiful,  smart, has a sassy mouth that'll give any man a run for their money. And those red lips.... " Sam trailed off,  finally getting a rise from the flesh and metal lump on the bed. 

Bucky knew Darcy was smart,  beautiful and just complicated enough to surprise him everyday. How had he stopped paying attention to her? His heart contracted painfully. He knew how amazing she was, and he'd seen other men notice. She had said she was moving on

Sam had jumped up quickly, waving his hands in surrender. "Hey man, I'm just pointing out the obvious. She's beautiful. I think of her like a sister and even I know she's amazing. You think other men have never noticed? " 

Bucky growled, scrubbing his hands roughly across his face. If Sam thought a shower was going to fix the steaming pile of shit that was his life, he was dumber than Bucky first suspected. His self loathing had climbed to epic proportions. His skin felt too tight on his body, pulling in breaths hurt and no matter what he did his heart wouldn't settle into a natural beat.  He was the best (Clint) sniper in the world. He knew his body enough to fire a shot between heart beats. Not now though,  nothing felt right. His body didn't work right.  The only dependable thing was his God damn metal arm. Fucking thing. Fucking Hydra.  

"Now get your smelly ass out of bed and shower. I'm going to make you some food.  Then you and I are going to discuss how to best help you. You need to look after yourself. There's a lot of people who care about you and you can't begin to care about them in the way they deserve if you won't help yourself." 

Bucky let out an exasperated sigh.  Slamming his fists against the bed.  

"An anger response, that's good. Better than just being a stinky cyborg." Sam raised a brow at Bucky who looked more like a petulant child than a trained killer.  

"How many sandwiches you want Sam? " Steve called from the kitchen.  

Bucky hated them both. 


	11. Dear James.  March 17, 2017

James,  

I've made it through my first week of work at my new job.  I don't know how I can even use the term "made it through", there was nothing to it.  

It doesn't matter how hard or small the task is,  the fucked up part is that I still feel myself itching to tell you about it. Ordering new gym equipment and organizing the new security screened pool cleaners was as exciting as my day got.  But I still wanted to tell you. 

I don't know why.  It's not like you'd listen to me anyways.  

Just proves that I still love you and I CAN'T FUCKING STAND IT.  

I had to change shampoos.  You always used mine and the smell only reminds me of you.  

I think the only way to get you off my mind is to make a totally clean break.  I'd have to leave everyone and everything I've known for the last 7 years.  Not only is it not possible,  I'll always be involved now,  I'm in too deep.  But I'm NOT giving up EVERY SINGLE THING I LOVE for you. 

I've heard the saying that you don't get over grief,  you just grow strong enough to bare it.  I hope that shit is the truth because this is so hard.  I grieve for our life. I'm grieving the loss of the life I was so close to having.  

You know I have no other family.  I guess 15 years of foster care should have taught me not to put my faith in one person.  I've always been let down,  you were sadly not the exception I thought you'd be.  

Worst of all,  I'm grieving for you.  I grieve for the man you used to be,  who you were after Hydra,  but before your super sized man ego made you the man I left.  

Ask Steve about grieving for someone who still lives. 

Okay,  that was a low blow,  even for me.  Even if it is true,  none of that was ever your fault.  

I hope you are trying to get healthy. I am.  

I've made a little headway with Wanda.  She doesn't run from the room when she sees me. 

Tony emailed,  said we've got some visitors arriving on Monday.  Nat is bringing them,  so at least I'll get to see her and get a bit of excitement up in here.  

I won't call you and tell you about my day,  but I'll leave a few things here.  At least I can soak in a few of the memories of when you actually asked and cared about my day. 


	12. Bucky

"Have you heard from her?" Bucky finally asks the question he's been chewing on for two hours.  Steve is kneeling down next to his bike,  wrench in hand,  grease across his right cheek.  

Steve sighed heavily,  dropping his head.  Bucky just waited,  knowing that whatever answer Steve gave him would set him off,  everything did these days.  He focused on his breathing and stared right back into Steve's eyes when he finally looked up.  

"No,  I haven't.  She won't call me" was all he said.  That opened an entirely new can of works for Bucky,  he just leaned against the hood of one of Stark's cars.  He crossed his arms and waited for an explanation, an elaboration, anything.  

"Common Buck" Steve let his Brooklyn show. But Bucky was a sniper, he could wait forever. 

"Fuck it, fine. Darcy has about as much use for me as she does you right now. 'Bout 6 months ago she asked me for help." Bucky stood up,  listening carefully. "She asked me ta talk to ya with 'er.  She told me she 'ad tried but ya wouldn't listen."

Bucky took two steps towards Steve,  clenching and unclenching his metal fist. Steve stood his ground even though Bucky knew he was ashamed. Bucky could feel his own shame, the ever growing pool that it was,  filling closer to the brim. Darcy, his girl, had tried enough, been desperate enough that she'd asked Steve to talk to him.  

Fuck. 

Was there a life he wasn't ruining? 

"I told 'er that I wasn't gettin' involved. That you were finally happy 'n that's all that mattered ta me. That she knew what she was signin' up for when she started with ya... " Steve didn't finish,  he didn't have too.  

The silence in the garage was stiffelling as Bucky just stared at Steve.  Bucky was a fucking emotional leech and Steve was his enabler. This man had walked through hell to bring him back and he was still treating him like he wasn't worth a damn. He'd put him in the position to choose between himself and Darce. Steve should have never had to choose between Bucky and anyone.  

Rage filled Bucky. Not towards Steve but at himself. He was slowly draining the life out of everyone he loved. This was worse than if Thr Asset had killed them. At least that would have been quick. How he was killing them now was slow, painful. He was systematically destroying them in all the most sensitive places. 

At least Darcy had the smarts to escape before he consumed her entirely. Steve was as stubborn as Darcy was smart. Steve would stay with him, defend him, sacrifice EVERYTHING for him even if it killed him. He'd almost done it before.  

Till the end of the line.  

Bucky closed his eyes and concentrated on his breathing. He felt Steve brace himself,  alter his stance ever so slightly,  preparing for an attack. He wasn't going to hurt Steve,  he wanted to hurt himself.  

"I'm sorry" Bucky ground out,  more gravel than words.  He had done this. All of it.  

Again. 

Steve didn't so much as move, his eyes just widened as he stared at Bucky.  

"I have cost you more then I'll ever be able to repay.  You've dug me outta the pits of hell twice, running into a third here. I have no right to use you like I have" Steve started to speak,  Bucky just kept talking over him. "You are self sacrificing to a fault and I've done nothing but use that since I've come back. I can't though, I can't keep this up. If me bein' happy means it's gotta take everything from you... And her.." Bucky still couldn't say her name. "I don't want it." 

Bucky's shoulders heaved as he tried to focus on keeping himself together.  His chest felt tight, packed tight. The regret of everything he'd done was getting too damn big to carry that he worried it'd split him open from the inside, leaving his insides a mess on the floor. The pain of it nearly took his breath away.  

 

"Bucky,  I... " Steve stumbled over his words,  his lips flapping.  

The silence stretched on. Bucky stood in front of Steve, raw, ragged, but open. If he was going to let the hate bust him open wide, at least he could TRY and let something good in.

  Steve looked shocked,  just staring back and Bucky couldn't believe how arrogant he'd been to assume that being back in Steve's life was enough for Steve. He hadn't done anything since he'd been back to earn this mans love and friendship, he didn't deserve it.  

Steve moved suddenly,  meeting Bucky's tear rimmed eyes with his own. He learched forward, wrapping his arms around his shoulders in a tight embrace. Bucky took a moment to react, but he reached up, holding his brother back as tightly as he could.  

He didn't care how long they'd have to stay like this,  Bucky would make Steve believe that he was still worthy of their friendship. And thanks to the serum, he had forever to prove it to him.  

Sam said there'd be good days and bad days.  That there would be steps forward and steps back. Bucky felt like today was a step forward and let out a huff under his breath.  

"What" Steve asked, trying to pull away but Bucky held him in place.  

"Sam said there'd be good days. Honestly I didn't think I deserved anymore... " 

Steve chuckled, holding tight.  

"Guy knows his shit hey?"

"Yeah,  the asshole." Bucky sniffed loudly.  He didn't know how he'd earned such awesome people in his life,  but however that'd happened, he was done taking it for granted.  

He just wished Darcy was around to share this with...


	13. Darcy

Darcy sat at the table in the kitchen shovelling cereal into her gob. Milk was dribbling down her chin and she did nothing but stare back at the man across the room. Logan or James Howlett or Wolverine...Whatever you wanted to call him, leaned against the island and stared back at her. His arms were crossed across his chest and he had a wicked smirk on his bearded face.  

Personally she liked Logan... She was not having another "He Who Must Not Be Named" in her life.  

"Can I help you?" Darcy asked, having finished her food. She wiped her mouth on the sleeve of her pink rainbow sweater and stood to rinse out her bowl.  

"I was told to meet here so my "guide" he said the word with an amused sneer "could show me around the new facility. "

"Yeah, I get that dude. What I don't get is why you stood staring at me while I ate. Do you not eat? Are you like a snake? Do you consume one big meal a month and slowly digest it over time? That's super gross man..."Darcy almost gagged just thinking about it.  She was totally unconcerned about her rambling. 

 She was even more unconcerned about how amazing his biceps looked...Nope. No fucking way... 

As far as Darcy was concerned she had become a completely non sexual being, like a tree stump or a lamp post. She no longer noticed things like yummy biceps or delicious jean clad asses.  

"No, of course I don't" his gruff laugh made her smile. "I don't sleep much. I ate before you even got up." 

"K man,  whatever... " she stood in front of him now. His arms were still crossed across his chest, his white sleevless shirt tucked into his dark jeans. His booted feet were crossed at the ankles, totally at ease as he leaned against the counter top.  

He was sizing her up just as she was him. Her hair was in big curls down her back, black tights, rainbow sweater and unicorn slippers that made him raise his eyebrow at her.  

What did she care,  she wasn't out to impress.  And Clint had bought her those slippers as a gift before she moved. 

"So Girly, I was told by Natasha to be nice to you, I'm going to listen cause frankly that woman scares the shit outta me" he huffed,  standing up straight.  

"Yeah, she's great like that" Darcy smiled,  holding out a hand for him to shake. "I'm Darcy, not Girly or Doll Face or any other old timey, sexist slang terms you can come up with. I've had enough of that shit from the other nonagearians I know."

She had read his file just as she assumed he'd read hers. Her previous relationship was in there and she guessed that's why he didn't ask. Then again, knowing people who didn't age normally was pretty commonplace.  

Steve.   
Nat.   
Thor.   
Bruce.   
Fuck Face.   
Logan himself.  

She eyed his hand just as he'd eyed her slippers. Darcy really, really wanted to see his claws.  

Logan raised a brow at her again, watching her eye his fists. He sighed and gave a smile lop sided smile.  

Darcy watched in absolute wonder as three long,  silver claws slowly appeared from between the knuckles on his raised, right hand. 

"Holy fucking shit... " Darcy whispered,  watching them. She was totally unable to control herself as she stepped forward and reached a finger out to touch one.  

He yanked his arm back, the look he was giving her now more of interested curiosity as opposed to him just humoring her.  Logan started to reevaluate the girl... Woman in front of him.  Someone is unicorn slippers should be scared out of their minds right now. Not reaching up to touch his claws. 

But then again someone who'd dated The Winter Soldier wouldn't scare easily,  would they?  

"Oh I'm sorry!" Her hand snapped back as she internally cursed herself.  "Do they hurt to be touched? Do your knuckles still hurt when they slice through or are you used to it?  Do you need to clean them?  Have you ever broken one?" Darcy slapped her hand over her own mouth to try and stop the questions.  

Logan stared right back at the small woman in front of him,  his eyes wide.  She'd make his time here as a trainer amusing if nothing else.  He wasn't going to tell her that Tony Stark had offered him the position with a hefty cheque as well as a large donation to the professor's school if he kept an eye on the girl.  Stark was concerned her old man wouldn't take no for an answer when it came to seeing her and didn't want any of the Seargants own team mates having to go up against him. Logan sensed a little more to the story then what he was being told,  but that part wasn't his problem.  

"No they don't hurt to be touched,  yes I've had to clean them,  no I've never broken one.  And yes," Logan paused. "It hurts every time."

"Huh,  well.... "Darcy paused and shuffled her foot uncomfortably.  "Want to start the tour or.... "She just wanted a sink hole to open her up and swallow her whole.  

"Sure Darcy,  let's get started" his rough voice was amused and for that she was thankful.  

"Friday has Logan already been set up with ID card and palm and retinal scans? " Darcy asked,  grabbing her shoulder bag off the table and sliding her feet out of the slippers and into black flats sitting on the floor. 

Darcy had been disappointed to hear the Nat couldn't stay,  she's dropped her new guest and left.  A mission or something.  The let down at not seeing her friend had almost brought her to tears. 

"ID card yes Miss Darcy,  Boss handled that at the tower. The others will need to be completed today. The security interface is ready in your office at your earliest convenience."

"That's Friday,  Tony's AI.  If you need anything and I'm not around,  ask her."

Logan nodded,  looking around. He didn't seem phased though. She imagined after living with Charles Xavier,  having a disembodied voice come from the ceiling was a lot better than inside your own head.  

"Let's head to my office,  I'll get you set up security wise. Your palm scan can be used on your lockers, personal quarters and that kind of stuff. Of course Friday can open all these things for you but some silly people feel more comfortable doing things for themselves. Your retinal scan is used for medical reasons,  accessing your files and the like because as you know just because it may look like you doesn't mean it is you... "Darcy paused by a door and signed a slip of paper,  retrieving an envelope.  Logan followed closely behind,  taking in his surrounding more then her words.  

"From what I understand a training schedule has already been set up and you will be meeting each of the new Avengers along the way.  You'll see some around,  but a couple keep to themselves.... Um...." Darcy didn't even pause to see if he was listening, running from one thought to the next.  

Logan had stopped by a room labeled "Training Arena B" to watch the woman on the other side of floor to ceiling glass. A red haze eminating from her fingers as she controlled several objects in the air.  

The woman turned, looking back at him, her concentration on the floating objects never wavering. She raised a brow at him,  tipped her head and went back to what she was doing.  

"That's Wanda Maximoff" Darcy startled Logan, coming up beside him. "She can read minds too... "

Logan sighed, of course she did. He placed his palm on the tablet she held out to him. It flashed and she started walking away,  tapping away at it.  

Home sweet home Logan guessed....at least somethings never changed. 


	14. Dear James.  March 20, 2017.

James, 

I didn't get to see Nat today and I was so counting on it.  

I've discovered that my surviving life without you requires a shit ton of planning.  I decide on something and work towards it.  I plan things and focus on them.  This helps me put one foot in front of the other and make it through another day.  So when I'm banking on something and it doesn't happen,  my delicate hold on my sanity fractures a little more.  

I almost managed 1 whole hour without thinking of you this morning.  So I guess one step forward and all that.  I met Wolverine,  or Logan as I'm calling him.  Your name is forever ruined for me.  

He said he fought alongside Captain America and the Howling Commandos during the war.  I'm assuming you've met him although he didn't say.  

Of course our relationship is in my God damn file forever.  

He was nice I think,  quiet,  rough,  a lot like I expected. 

He's going to train the new Avengers. In his file it said he was an expert in almost every single fighting style on the planet. 

And his claws are FUCKING AWESOME.  

They hurt him though,  every time they come out of his hand.  I don't like it... 

Maybe I'll get him to pick up my training.  I stopped about six months ago.  Around the time it was getting hard for me to get out of bed.  

Because of YOU.  

There's a therapist here and he's pretty nice.  He says I have PTSD.  Between New Mexico, the Dark Elves and you, I'm not as strong as I thought I was.  

That's okay though.  I'm going to get better. 

He said that this journal to you is a good thing and I should write in it as much as I can. 

Despite my best attempts,  I still love you.  I don't hate it as much today.  I'm starting to wonder if it's going to become my perminant state of being.  That a part of me will always love you,  crave you.  But eventually I'll be able to move on and find someone who respects me and treats me like I need.  

One thing I've found though,  is that I'm exhausted.  Between the sleep I missed when I was with you and trying to get my head on right I'm sleeping 12 hours a night.  

The shrink said it's because I feel safe here.  I have The Scarlet Witch,  Vision,  Spiderman,  Ant Man and Wolverine looking out for me so that is probably a big part of it.  

Mostly though I think it's being away from you. 

I hope you're trying to get better.  I don't ask about you,  I can't.  But I'm really hoping you are trying.  

Night. 


	15. Dear James.  March 23, 2017.

James,  

I'm ruined.  You've ruined me.  

I'm trying,  God,  I'm fucking trying so hard to not think of you every second of everyday.  If I have a good day,  get 15 minutes of peace and quiet in my brain,  the next day is WORSE than ever before.  

I feel like I'm exposed and bleeding.  I feel like I carved myself up for you,  offered you the heart right out of my chest and you refused it.  You left me here, open, raw, fucking bleeding.  

On the bad days I ache. Not just my heart, but physically. My joints ache, my head throbs and my stomach churns.  

I just threw up.  

LOVING YOU MAKES ME SICK.  

My shrink says it's normal, that depression can manifest itself physically.  

GREAT.  

I've met some new people and they're really amazing. I'm trying to throw myself into the friendships with them like I did before, give my whole self into the relationships. But like I said above, you've ruined me.  

I don't care about being vindictive or cruel anymore.  I hope you are suffering just as much as I am.  I want you to suffer.  

I feel hollow and empty on the inside,  but the outside hurts.  

Do you hurt?  

I wanted this,  dreamed of you,  of the us we were, for years growing up in those fucking Foster homes.  I just wanted a family.  I wanted to be with people who would love me unconditionally as much as I loved them. I thought you were that person.  I was so sure we could have everything.  

Thanks for the harsh lesson though, I should have known better.  The only person you love is yourself.  I've learned that's the only way to survive in this world,  always look out for yourself first.  

Remember the first night we were together?  I do.  It's forever printed in my brain.  I get to feel the pain over and over again every time the highlight reel plays when I try to sleep at night.  You told me that you weren't sure you had a heart,  not until you fell in love with me. 

I think the reason you have a heart is because you took mine.  You took it and abused it and destroyed it.  You ripped it to pieces and then threw it back at me.  

With the way I feel right now,  sobbing into a notebook in the dark, alone,  I'd rather you'd have just kept it.  

If you don't actually have a heart,  you don't know how fucking lucky you are. 


	16. Bucky.

Bucky sat, staring back at the shrink that was staring at him.  

This was not his least favorite place in the world to be, Hydra's chair and frozen were before this. But right now he really fucking resented the woman sitting in the room with him. He really resented everything to do with the entire room he was in.  

Sam had recommended he talk to someone other than himself.  He felt like with the way Bucky was struggling with Darcy's departure, coupled with his severe PTSD he was outside his skill set.  

Lucky for Bucky,  Stark had a large number of qualified doctors with a wide variety of specialties on his payroll and on call 24/7.

So here he was, sitting in a room decorated in every pastel color he could imagine, with a woman who looked like she could dissect him with her eyes alone.  

He'd never been this uncomfortable in all his life.  

"Seargant Barnes, I can not force you to talk to me. I'm happy to sit here with you and do the stare down of dominance until the cows come home.  Frankly though,  I am very expensive and we both have better things to do with our time.  I know I sure as hell do." 

Bucky let his eyes widen slightly as she spoke,  reevaluating the tiny blonde in front of him.  

Miss Mitchell sat before him,  legs crossed,  pad in place,  pen in hand, reading right through his major macho posturing.  

Women brought a lot more to the table this day in age.  They weren't encouraged to be strong and independent free thinkers back when he was younger.  He really needed to stop underestimating what was considered the fairer sex.  From what he had seen there was nothing fair, meek or mild about them.  

He was learning that men only thought they were tough and in charge because women let them. The examples in his life were endless,  he'd just been too daft to pay any attention.  

Natasha.   
Pepper.   
Jane.    
Maria Hill.   
Sharon Carter.    
...Darcy. 

"I don't know where to start..." he finally said.  

"Start with what brought you in today.  Let's talk about what you are thinking and feeling right now" she looked right at him and gave a small encouraging smile.  

She was young,  no older than he was,  and very pretty.  Sam had recommended her saying she was some kind of prodigy growing up. And she didn't seem enclined to take his shit,  stalling included.  

Here goes nothing.  

Bucky sighed and slid forward in his chair,  running his hands together.  

"My girlfriend left me, for good reason.  And because I'm an emotionally stunted soldier and the longest held POW in the history of the world with a stunning case of PTSD as a result, I'm incapable of even attempting to help myself so I can try and win her back."

"And that's just today right? " Miss Mitchell smirked at Bucky and he appreciated her tenacity in that moment.  

"I'm going to start with a couple of points here okay? " She watched Bucky nodd and continued. "I don't see anywhere to go but up and hard, so here it is." She slid forward,  laying her pad on the table,  rubbing her palms together,  matching his posture.  "First, I heard the tone you used when you said POW.  I can assure you Seargant Barnes that you were in fact a prisoner of war, even though you don't seem to believe that. Next, you do have a very severe case of PTSD and from a professional stand point it is stunning.  Honestly though,  if you were any less of a man you wouldn't be sitting here right now. You wouldn't be talking,  walking and engaging in any kind of relationships at all. Do not think less of yourself because of what you have been through,  be proud of yourself because you are possibly the only person who could endure and survive and still come out functional at the other end. Be even prouder that you are here seeking help."

Bucky didn't even move a muscle. Just watched the woman in front of him gather her pad back up and slide back in her chair.  

Bucky had no doubt in his mind that Stevie and Darcy would love this woman.  She was only repeating what they'd said millions of times as he waded through guilt so severe it was nearly suffocating. 

She was a medical professional though,  so that made what she was saying true... 

Hope flickered briefly in the recesses of his mind but he quickly beat it down.  

Forever stubborn,  Bucky shifted his shoulder,  forcing himself back into a stiff and steady posture.  The plates on his arms clicked subtly as he adjusted but her eyes didn't so much as glance up from her pad as the noise almost echoed in the silent room.  

Bucky felt like a child in the presence of an adult who not only demanded but earned respect. He suddenly felt under dressed,  like his Henley and jeans weren't presentable enough for her.  

"Now Seargant Barnes,  I want to know more about your lost love.  I can see that she ties heavily into your reasons for being here.  I want you to want to get better for yourself though,  it won't work if it's for someone else.  However, I will not help you win back this woman.  She is not an object to be had or owned.  I want you to get to a place where you can respect yourself before you try to fix what happened in your relationship.  And if she left and you believe it was for justifiable reasons,  that's her way of demanding respect.  She was saying she wouldn't put up with certain things anymore.  I want you to get to a place where the respect you receive isn't earned by force or fear,  but because you've earned it."

Bucky didn't know what to say,  couldn't speak.  

A fault line of fear cracked into his carefully cultivated shield that he'd built over the last couple of weeks.  He had been pretending to be okay,  putting on a good show.  Reality was he was barely surviving.  He knew it.  Steve probably knew it.  

Like she said,  there was no where to go but up.  

"Now Seargant,  would you like to get started? " Miss Mitchell spoke directly at him, demanding eye contact,  projecting professionalism and confidence.  

"Yes ma'am,  please" Bucky nodded.  He ran his tongue over his dry lips and cracked the knuckles of his flesh hand. 

"Good" she smiled and leaned back.  

Bucky watched her warily, knowing what was coming would be rough, but he was willing to put in the work. 

All he could think though,  was that he really needed to introduce this woman to Steve. 


	17. Darcy.

Darcy awakened with a start,  her eyes refusing to adjust with such little light filtering in from her open door.  The figure in front of her said her name again,  shaking her gently.  

"Wanda,  wha... " Darcy tried to form words,  pulling her arms out of the blanket she'd burritoed herself in when she went to sleep. 

 She got cold at night without Bucky.  

"Logan told me not to wake you,  but I knew you'd want to see... " The younger woman whispered,  her accent making the words float in the air for a second before they finally sank into Darcy's sleep addled brain.  

There's no good reason to be woken up in the middle of the night, receive a call or have your doorbell ring, especially in the world she lived in.  

Panic set in and the haze faded immediately. 

Darcy was out of bed like a shot.  

"What's going on?  Who is it?  Is he.... Who's hurt? " she pulled her robe and unicorn slippers on,  following Wanda from the room.  

All the lights were on in the main room,  Darcy could smell coffee and she saw Logan's head above the back of the couch.  

He was staring at a live news cast on the massive TV. The screen held nothing but choas. There were people screaming and running, dust and smoke billowing all around... And Sam landing to drop a civilian on the ground before taking off again.  

 Darcy's heart started to hammer harder, sharp painful breaths forced out of her lungs as she watched an epic fight take place on the screen. 

She was watching her family fight.  

"Friday,  what time is it?" Darcy asked.  She was being drawn to the screen like a moth to a flame.  

"2:42 am Miss Darcy" the AI responded.  

"Everyone is fine so far Darcy.  The live broadcast only started 20 minutes ago." Wanda answered Darcy's question from before, sitting on the arm of the couch Darcy had sank into. Darcy took the cup of coffee Logan offered her mechanically,  her eyes glued to the screen.  

Green flashed across the screen followed by a loud yell. The Hulk. The Hulk was there... It was bad enough for a Code Green in a public place.  

"Where? " was the only word she could form.  Where the hell were they,  was that Big Ben in the background?  Panic was seeping into her brain from every nerve in her body.  She watched The Hulk smash a robot alien looking thing before it could close in on a small side street where civilians were huddled.  

"London" Logan replied from his spot next to her.  "I knew something was up when Vision disappeared through that wall" he pointed next to the TV,  "about an hour ago."

Darcy stared at the TV,  her eyes searching for anyone else.  The Hulk was easy to spot so the stupid reporter was covering him. 

She was used to more. 

She had always been more involved, known what was happening, when and where her people were off to.  

Darcy's ears started to ring and she felt her vision tunnel.  The isolation of this place, this compound becoming far far too much for her.  She could get play by play at the tower,  here she was just... normal.  She was separate from them.  

She felt something then, something she hadn't felt in weeks, months even.  Darcy wasn't going to let herself feel alone, she was going to do something about this, about missing her family.  

She scratched her nails along the fabric of the couch,  letting her brain restart as she tried to put a plan into place.  She needed to help, to do something... 

"Hey Kiddo,  they've got this." Logan patted her shoulder, the gravel in his voice reverberating through his arm into hers. "You ladies shouldn't be up... " Logan trailed off when Wanda and Darcy trained their wide eyes on him.  Wanda's eyes were red,  Darcy just growled.  

Her eyes caught a brief glimpse of Steve,  his shield flying from his arm into a robot before returning to him.  

The camara angle was not good,  far away,  but Darcy knew these people.  Steve was covered in dust,  his movement sharp and strong,  but his face was weary.  

'Friday,  when did the initial call to assemble go out? " Darcy was sure this had been going on for longer then they knew.  

"The initial call went out at 10:13 pm Miss Darcy,  Boss called for back up from Vision and   Iron Patriot at 1:33am our time."

Darcy was watching the choas unfold, trying to put her thoughts in order when an explosion echoed just down the street of the camera, just out of view. 

Darcy jumped,  yelping loudly.  Both Logan and Wanda tensed,  leaning towards the screen.  

The camera man and reporter turned their attentions to the cloud of smoke appearing just a block over.  They were ignoring the destruction around them when out of no where a robot decended upon them,  it's mechanical claws opening,  coming at the idiots from behind.  Logan grunted and Darcy gasped,  waiting for the reporter to get maimed  on national TV. Seconds from reaching it's target, the robots head exploded.  Shards of metal flew everywhere as the thing dropped, it's body shaking before going still.  

There was no arrow.  That had been a bullet.  

Bucky.  

Bucky was alive.  

Darcy let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding.  A little more fog clearing from her brain. 

No one spoke for minutes,  just watching the moron reporter try to continue his broadcast despite the blood soaking through his sleeve.  You could visibly see the shrapnel in his arm.  

"Things seem to be getting a little dangerous for us" his thick British accent was sounding from the TV.  Darcy was trying to ignore him,  trying to keep her eyes on the flash of red and black she'd just seen in the corner of the screen when another explosion sounded and the camera dropped to the ground.  

Darcy tried to put her cup on the table but missed completely,  spilling hot coffee all over her feet.  

She didn't react to the burns,  just rushed to the screen,  praying to Thor that the camera man would get up,  that they'd show her something,  ANYTHING... 

A few seconds passed with time seemingly suspended, nothing but smoke and dust danced across the distended lens, relaying nothing useful back to them.  

The live feed cut to two broadcasters behind a desk. 

"NO!" Darcy hollared at the screen, feeling the blood run cold in her veins. 

She hadn't seen anything like this since new York.  

Darcy had seen Steve, Nat, Bruce, Sam and what she was sure was a shot from Bucky... 

No Vision, no Tony, no Clint, no Rhodes. 

"Friday?" Darcy snapped at the ceiling. 

"Ms Lewis?" The AI snarked back. 

"I'm opening operation 4217-JBB" Darcy was in motion now,  her house coat and legs stained with coffee, she rushed to her laptop on the kitchen table.  

Darcy was being unfair, she knew she was, but she was banking on Bucky not thinking of or not wanting to close off the ability for her to hear a live feed from the Avengers coms.  They couldn't hear her but she could hear every last thing they said to each other.  

It had been put in place after Darcy had gotten her clearance level upgraded.  Mostly it was Bucky's death glare at Fury, a little of signing more NDA then she knew existed.  

Code 4217 was the ability for the spouse or partner to listen to a live feed from the coms if the Avenger allowed.  

Bucky let Darcy listen after a classified mission resulted in extra weeks away and no communication.  Not to mention the complete rebuild Tony had to do on his arm.  Darcy hadn't slept the whole next time they'd been called to assemble.  

JBB were Bucky's initials.  His authorization.  

"Operation code 4217-JBB accepted,  where would you like the feed to play from?" Friday was direct, no banter, no snark.  Darcy thought she knew, understood, this proved the AI did. 

"Television please" it was one thing to listen, it was another to keep the others in the room from listening.  Wanda was cleared, she was a freaking Avenger.  Logan, who the fuck knew?

The screen turned from the talking heads to a blue screen,  drawing Darcy's attention from her computer as she tried to find more live feeds of the fighting on social media.  

Friday could find it all, but Darcy would rather hear.... 

Her feet were starting to burn, the adrenaline not enough to keep the pain from the spilled coffee away.  

Static cracked through the room and then Tony's voice glared out loudly.  

"Widow, fuck, Widow, there's half a dozen people trapped in a shop, right below me... " 

Darcy heard a repulsor blast and the Steve's commanding voice.  

"Hawkeye, keep your focus on the robots climbing the buildings, leave the ground to us"

Clint! 

"Buck, I need you too.. "

Darcy's breath caught as she heard confirmation from Steve.  Bucky was alive.  

"I'm picking up weird interference on my calms... "The man in questions voice echoed from the TV.  

Darcy's heart gave a painful thump as his voice registered.  She hadn't heard his voice in so long and her traitor of a body reacted to it.  

"Interferance?  Like wha... " came Nat's voice before she cut off with a gasp.  

"Yasha, run now" she screamed,  her voice full of panic.  

Darcy stood from her chair, her eyes going from the TV to the live feed she'd just found.  

"I can't get to him" Sam yelled at the same time the explosion echoed from the TV and her laptop speakers,  surrounding them with noise.  

From behind Wanda's hand griped Darcy's painfully.  

They all stood, watching and listening to the lower floors of the building Bucky was in exploded with fire and debre before it gave a loud crunch and state to fold in on itself.  

Darcy pulled in what she was sure would be her last breath if it was also his, as the building Bucky was on collapsed completely. 


	18. Darcy

Nobody made a sound for what seemed like forever.  In reality it was only seconds.  

Darcy felt all the air leave her body and put her hands out catching herself on the kitchen table. 

"Friday?" Darcy tried to ask but only a whisper came out.  

She cleared her throat as she roughly scrubbed away the moisture collecting in her eyes. 

Super soldier or not, no one could survive something like that. 

"Friday, what happened to the feed? " when the building had gone down the feed from the coms had cut out abruptly. 

"I'm sorry Miss, but... " Friday trailed off.  If an AI could collect herself, that's what she was doing.  The silence in the room was all encompassing. It seemed to be closing in from all sides.  

Darcy couldn't bring herself to rush Friday. She wanted to, but she couldn't get her body to respond. In her head she was screaming.  

"It is my protocol to cut the feed from coms should a... catastrophic event occur" she finally finished.  

A wimper came out of Darcy, a high pitched keening sound as she tried to absorb the.. 

CATASTROPHIC EVENT.  

She let herself sink to her knees, unable to support her own weight.  She was starting to get cold and the carpet fibres on her burns were agony but she just couldn't make herself stand.  

Logan was by her side, wrapping her up in his arms and pulling her into his lap.  

"Kid?" He was asking, shaking her lightly. Darcy was totally trapped inside her own head, the horror of what she just witnessed playing again and again in her head.  She was trying to respond to Logan, she really was, but everything was becoming foggy and far away.  

Bucky was.... 

Darcy's brain processed through the events, hearing Nat yell out, hearing the complaints about interference.... 

Holy shit. 

Oh no....

Holy fuck. 

SHE DID THIS.  

The thought seeped into her mind so slowly, like a poison spreading. Moments before the accident, Bucky complained about interference. The interference was caused by Friday patching into their coms.  

She'd done this.  She'd killed Bucky.  

Darcy started to pant, trying to bring in oxygen when she started to drown.  Her head started to spin and her skin felt too tight.  

She couldn't feel Logan, or her surroundings.  Darcy's breaths became shallower and faster, making her eyes start to flutter.  

Bucky was dead. 

AND SHE'D KILLED HIM.  

She had distracted him just enough so he couldn't escape.  

Logan was still shaking her, rubbing a callused hand across her forehead and cheeks.  Darcy wasn't responding though, just sitting limply in his lap, panting in breath after breath.  

"She's having a panic attack, or an episode or something. Wanda!"

Wanda had been standing, staring at her laptop screen, red crackling between her fingers.  Logan's yelling snapped her awake, and she fell to her knees in front of them.  

"Slap her" Friday startled them by speaking.  "Miss Lewis is having an acute panic attack.  You'll need to slap her, bring her back to herself" the drole instructed them as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  

"I can't Wanda, I'm too strong" Logan looked into Wanda's red eyes as she rubbed one of Darcy's hands roughly. 

Wanda watched him for a second, not eagar to slap her friend. 

The slap wasn't hard, but it was abrupt. Logan and Wanda watched Darcy blink, taking in one sharp, deep breath.  

"It was me" she barely whispered, twisting out of Logan's arms and hanging her head between her shoulders.  She perched on her hands and knees, trying to reorient herself to her surroundings.  Her limbs tingled now that she was breathing deep enough, but her ears were ringing, making things seem far away.  

"What was that kid?" Logan placed a hand on her back.  

"Oh God, it was me" she sobbed, pain wracking her body.  

"Darcy, what was you? Talk to us, I don't understand" Wanda had a hint of panic in her voice that echoed Darcy's.  

"It was me, I killed him! " her voice was loud, it came out as a shout.  Darcy didn't want to keep repeating the harsh reality of what she'd done.  

"How Darcy, you weren't there? "Wanda was confused and Logan was just watching her.  She lifted her tear stained face and glared back at them both like it was the most obvious thing in the world.  

"I had Friday connect us to their coms.  I caused the interference. I distracted him.  I'm the one, I'm the one.... "She couldn't finish her sentence and started to sob in earnest.  

Wandas shocked gasp was cut off by Friday speaking up, cutting into the sobbing echoing through the room. 

"If I may Miss Lewis, you are wrong.  My ability to let you listen to the Avengers coms in no way impacts their function. It is an outside source that you are listening to, similar to a recording. That's why they can't hear you.  Whatever that interference was, wasn't from you or me.  It was a totally independent event.  Boss is pissed.  Wants to know what happened to his coms" Friday finished.  

"See Lewis, it wasn't you" Logan stood, reaching down to pull her up with him.  

"It wasn't me" she whispered, lost again in her own mind.  Wanda responded anyways as Logan half carried Darcy to the couch.  

Logan reassured her the best he could, sitting next to her on one of the cushions not splattered with coffee.  

A dazed Darcy kept repeating Fridays words over and over again.  Trying to reconcile that information around the fact that he was still gone.  

Her sweaty hair was plastered to her forehead and Wanda brushed it off, thrusting a glass into her hands.  

"Friday?" Darcy forced out around the bitter water that wouldn't go down her throat.  

"Miss?"

"Are they okay... Is he, is Bucky alive?"

"I'm afraid Miss Lewis that as per bosses orders I'm not to relay that information back to you."

"Friday! God damn Stark..." Logan started to curse under his breath as he rubbed his hands roughly through his hair.  

"But boss isn't here is he?" 

Wanda buffed out a breath at the mouthy AI.  

"I'm still able to pick up a heart beat and blood pressure for Seargent Barnes. Although both are high and indicate extreme stress, the coms indicate that Vision in with him." 

Alive.  

Bucky was alive. 


End file.
